Deciding to be Me

It’s cold and rainy outside, and that always puts me in a thoughtful mood. I’ve been thinking for the past few months about how I can be more aware of myself and my needs. Certain situations can make you feel the need to protect yourself from that happening again, and I can feel how I’ve been impacted by my hesitancy to be vulnerable with people again. I’m afraid that I’m going to be hurt and ridiculed for my opinions, and yes, I feel like I’m kind of in a bit of a battle right now. What’s most confusing of all, is I don’t really know what I’m battling. The long hard fight is over, and I know it’s time for healing.

I totally was way too overwhelmed to be an amazing travel documenter, getting over things that had happened and trying to deal with current and future concerns. But I did learn things. I learned that I was right all along, that my obsession with charity was the right way to go. Yeah, I can tell myself all I want to after many of the things that I have faced that it isn’t worth it to be vulnerable with people, because the wrong kind of people always seem to take absolute advantage of you. It’s happened to me every. single. time. And this last time was so hard and damaging to me that 90% of me wants to throw in the towel and give up. It’s not worth it.

But, as I traveled Europe this summer, I couldn’t help it. I fell in love. I fell in love with the people, with the places, with people in history that maybe I had heard their story a little bit differently in the past. Being calloused is hard, especially when it’s so easy to see the beauty in people.

I thought that to protect myself I needed to start being distant (or at least that’s my body’s natural response), but I know it isn’t. I love being overly kind, I love giving everything I can to others. I love that even though I don’t have much to give, I try to give it all. Yes, maybe it makes me seem annoying and like a kiss up, but it’s who I am. When I act like I don’t care, when I’m not constantly thinking about being charitable and how to improve someone else’s day, I am not happy. No, that’s not how I think everyone needs to be, but I’m learning that that is who I am and that’s what I need to do personally to be happy.

I’ve tried being smart, practical, careful and very much catering to other people. I’ve tried to be good with money, frugal with my time, and very organized and clinical in my approach to a lot of things. But it’s not working. It only makes me cry more. I’m trying to fit my very big, very creative and crazy personality into a mold I CANNOT fit into. I somehow think that by being as “normal” as possible, it will hide the pain of my past from people so I won’t get pity. That’s not really working either.

I might not have shared a lot of things about my trip or how it’s changed me, but I don’t think I’ve fully processed or finished what I’m working on inside me. What I do know, is that I’ve been trying to live my life for other people, and it’s drowned me in a world of unhappiness and anxiety. I know I can never please everyone, so I might as well please myself and my Heavenly Father.

❤ Annie

Advertisements

My Take on Missionary Stranded at Bryce Canyon

While browsing Facebook this week, I couldn’t help but notice the story about a missionary who was left stranded in Bryce Canyon. Originally shared and posted by LDS Living, it has sparked extreme controversy. That article was taken down within a few days of being public. Today they posted a sort of apology in light of the arguments that stemmed from it (You can read that article here).

Doing a quick google search of “Bryce Canyon missionary”, I found three articles on the topic, one of which has since been removed. One is an LDS website (though not run or sponsored directly by the church), and one is not. I’m actually delighted with this diversity, because we can address many issues and viewpoints.

I read the first article the day it came out. I actually really appreciated the format in which it was shared, considering the source. I loved that there was a positive focus on how the son overcame the trial and how the grandparents took the higher road and were loving and understanding. I felt that they weren’t necessarily brushing aside the fact that he was abandoned by his mother, but that they were more focusing on how it was overcome.

I also think that we must be careful about condemning others in a public setting. If you’ve read any other posts on my blog (particularly Why I Left) you’d understand that I came from a situation of parental abuse and knee-jerk reactions, where one was expected to keep up appearances at the expense of personal well-being and true happiness. So, I want you to know that in nowise do I agree with the mother’s behavior. I am and always will be quick to condemn detrimental behavior. However, in times like these, where our words can do nothing to solve the situation because we are not of immediate access, we should apply a very wise words of the Savior “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” John 8:7

Looking back at the apology from LDS Living, you can easily see that this principle of refraining from judgement and condemnation was not practiced at all. It is one thing to bring to light the darkness in other people’s actions, and lovingly desire to help them return to the light through healing and love, and it is another to publicly crucify, humiliate, and utterly condemn someone for their actions, especially when you 1) aren’t the victim 2) you are not in a situation to lay down the law 3) You are not treating this woman as a daughter of God, and that is one of the most important commandments that we are given.

I completely and totally advocate against this mother’s behavior. Not because I think she is an absolute monster for what she did, but because I personally believe that this was not the most loving thing to do. Crises of faith should not be treated as a disease or something to be completely shocked or horrified by. There is such a stigma surrounding doubts. They are natural; they happen all the time, to all of us. Rather than having a knee-jerk reaction and abandoning the “problem”, I believe you should face it head on. You shouldn’t treat your child, spouse, family member, or friend like a leper simply because they aren’t on the same level of assurance as you are on now. In fact, most members who have had doubts leave simply because of the negativity everyone gave them for having natural human fallacies. They feel condemned, and their is some kind of ultimatum placed on them. Essentially, if they don’t come around to seeing things as we do now, they will forever be beneath us. No one likes feeling that we, and we need to stop making this church such a difficult environment for those who are struggling. Certainly, we should encourage them to not abandon their faith and to hold on to what they have known and not let “something you don’t fully understand unravel everything you do know.” (Quote taken from a talk given by Kevin W. Pearson Of the First Quorum of the Seventy, April 2015 General Conference.

june-2015-new-era-magazine_1469838_tmb
(Image can be found here)

We as a community, as an LDS family need to be there for one another through thick and thin, rain or shine. We need to “mourn with those that mourn” and stop telling them that we can’t be around them because they bring doubt into our own hearts. We need to have testimonies strong enough withstand that so that we can lift others in their time of need. We also need to learn to have the humility required to be the one in need. At some point in our lives, we will all have doubts and be tested. We can’t sit far away in the distance and condemn others as if we are some kind of immune God- we are just as human as everyone else, and we need to foster compassion continually. “For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.” Matthew 7:2 (basically this whole chapter is golden on the subject).

I hope she understands the error in her actions, but more than that, I really hope that she learns from this. I also hope that all of these people leaving nasty, unforgettable, cutting comments don’t diminish her self-worth to the point of being unable to see her innate divine nature. She is more than one mistake, but if we keep telling her that that is all she is and all she will ever be, we will rob of her of the desire to be more. We will limit and ultimately condemn her. Yes, she absolutely could’ve reacted in a much better way, and yes, someone should be telling her that. But not with pitchforks and torches- with love and concern, with the voice of a friend, with understanding and love. Just because we seek justice for the son does not mean we have a right to treat a fellow child of God as the dust beneath our feet. I don’t know about you, but when I make any kind of mistake, I like to be loved anyway, and even encouraged. If I can’t extended that same compassion and forgiveness to a woman who hasn’t really wronged me personally in any way, how can I expect the same from those I personally may wrong or affect by my actions?

Patheos.com cited a quote from Jason F. Wright (whose post has since been taken down) saying, “I asked Alabbas what was going through his mind that night. “I’ve just been left at Bryce Canyon,” he laughed. “By my own family!”” Hemant Mehta, who wrote the post titled “This “Inspirational” Story About a Doubting Mormon is Horrific”, expressed dismay at the flippant attitudes. I’m a little bit embarrassed reading the comments, which are primarily from atheists. These really aren’t the kinds of attitudes I’d like people to have about a church I fully believe in. I know it hurts God to hear them say these things. I also know we aren’t perfect, but I wish there was some way I could clean the slate. That being said, I do also think these people are being extremely hard on her and the church as a whole. I guess this is another example of why we need to “be examples of the believers at all times” Timothy 4:12

In his article on This Week in Mormons, Joseph Peterson stated, “…my feelings are that this young man was abandoned, at least emotionally abandoned, a long time ago…”. This is absolutely how I feel. I’ve noticed that a lot of parents might be caring for their children physically and maybe even spiritually, but as a culture we have become increasingly unable to provide for the emotional needs each other. Citing a perfect example from my own life, I had expressed my feelings about my situation during my childhood to many adults, all of whom gave little heed to my concerns and even went so far as to tell me I was overreacting. This is NOT what Christ would have done or said. Now, I’m not condemning anyone for not hearing me out and this isn’t pity party for myself, but I would like to use this as warning sign. Can you see the decay in our ability to listen to others?

Peterson’s last point is titled “All Is Well And Zion Weeps”. I 100% feel this in my heart. We are so desperate to be perfectly righteous, to shun all that opposes our ideal, and we continue to tell ourselves that “all is well in Zion”. Things will never be well in Zion until we can face head on ours and the trials of others with the love, compassion, and understanding that the Savior had. Our need for sinless perfection is polluting our ability to practice true discipleship, and I know that this grieves our Father in Heaven. Progression cannot be obtained where fear and secrecy reside. Until we can be open and honest about our shortcomings and allow those around us to do the same, we will continue to suffer alone, and that is NOT Zion.

Annie

He Abides

So, I know this is my happy blog and I like to share uplifting things on here, but things have gotten quite a bit overwhelming for me personally lately. So many trials have hit me, one after the other. I’ve reached a point where I don’t know what’s happening inside of me anymore. I look okay, and I sound okay, but I’m starting to realize that it’s all just one big act. I’m really not very okay at all. Because of my background, I learn to very much rely on myself. Anything that involves dependency, I try to cut off. I’d rather be miserable on my own than reliant on anyone else.

However, lately so many things have caused me to crumble and break. Because I look and sound okay, it is very easily assumed that I have no troubles, that I can perfectly handled any problems put on me. I used to be able to scrape by. I could fool anyone into believing I was happy and healthy and everything was coming up roses.

Well, I guess this is why Heavenly Father gives us trials, isn’t it? As each day passes, my facade is slipping away. Soon, I’ll be very much exposed to everyone. And even though I’m quite scared and ashamed of my weaknesses, I know this is the only way that I can really heal. I was sharing with one of my friends this week how frustrated and stressed I’ve been. It was then she asked me what I liked to do for fun, and the thing I think that hurt most of all was that I couldn’t think of anything. I couldn’t think of a time I did anything fun explicitly for me.

I know that God wants us to be happy. I know that He wants to look to Him, and that is why He has given us so many weaknesses- so we can look to Him and learn to do it as He does. Perhaps we have them and everything leads us to Him whether we like it or not and the laws of the universe are a very certain way and God is the only one who knows exactly how to obey those laws to his benefit- like knowing the rules of chess. It would be very silly of us to try and figure out the rules of chess on our own by watching the consequences of each move me made. We would have to lose so many games. An even better idea would be to ask tips and tricks to winning before trying to work out our own strategies.

It’s so easy to look at everything hypothetically like that, but applying and actually following those steps? That can be impossibly hard. Since General Conference in April, I’ve been listening to President Dieter F. Uchtdorf’s talk a lot. Titled Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear in it he talks about fear and love. He says that they cannot live within the same space, and one is arguably more agreeable.

We also had a Devotional here at BYU-Idaho about spiritual gifts. I thought back to when I was a child, filled with fear and hungering for any form of love available. After attending church one day, I was reading my scriptures when I came across the principle of charity. I wanted so desperately to have that gift. If my charity could even ease the plight of another person in a situation like mine, I would feel peace. The only way I could think of easing my pain was to ease the pain of others. So, I prayed earnestly that night, as I prayed almost every night after that. I didn’t merely ask Him in a repetitive prayer; I fell asleep each night in tears from pleading so much with my Heavenly Father. I prayed as hard and as long as I had imagined Enos had prayed- a prophet I very much admired in my youth. I know that prayer was answered because my life changed ever since I began to that prayer and kept it in my heart.

However, as fear has consumed my life the past few years from unforeseen changes, anxieties, difficulties with reconciling my past, and financial uncertainty as well a lack of support system and feelings of loneliness, I’ve felt myself drift farther and farther away from feelings of peace. I fall asleep every night worrying about what tomorrow will bring and how I will make it through everything. I worry all the time because I know there is no one else to worry for me. I know that if I make some kind of vast mistake, there will be no one to help me. Worst of all, I’m ashamed to ask for help, which you would think a person in my position would want to ask for help all the time.

I’ve forgotten each night of worry that there is someone to help me. There is someone to love me and be by my side through everything. I’ve forgotten that I’m not all alone, because I have a Heavenly Father. He knows exactly what I’m going through. I know He won’t let me fail. I know that I may need to be strong, that I may need to work hard and worry some nights to provide for myself to the best of my ability, but I also know that fear doesn’t need to take over my heart. Fear should never be allowed to replace love.

Because of my obsession with being afraid I have pushed away my Heavenly Father’s love, and I have not been able to share my love with others as I had before. I’d like to share my favorite hymn, the one I have sung every night before bed for as long as I can remember.

1. Abide with me; ’tis eventide.
The day is past and gone;
The shadows of the evening fall;
The night is coming on.
Within my heart a welcome guest,
Within my home abide.
(Chorus)
O Savior, stay this night with me;
Behold, ’tis eventide.
O Savior, stay this night with me;
Behold, ’tis eventide.
2. Abide with me; ’tis eventide.
Thy walk today with me
Has made my heart within me burn,
As I communed with thee.
Thy earnest words have filled my soul
And kept me near thy side.
3. Abide with me; ’tis eventide,
And lone will be the night
If I cannot commune with thee
Nor find in thee my light.
The darkness of the world, I fear,
Would in my home abide.

Christ is always there with us, in our hearts. He walks beside us in the day, and watches over us during the night. Because we have Him, we can let go of our fear and embrace His love and mercy. Because of Him, all of our fears no longer hold power over us. When we face trials, we need to rely on Him and accept His ever-reaching Atonement. Christ hasn’t failed me yet in this life, and I have faith that He never will. I will find happiness again as I take His hand and walk with Him, and anyone on this earth who is struggling will find that their way to happiness can be found the same way. How joyous it will be to no longer live in the dark.

I am thankful today. I am thankful for an unwavering Heavenly Father who has not once doubted me. I am thankful for His blessings and watchful care, and for His endless patience. I have no idea how I could’ve gotten this far with Him and the blessing of His gospel. I testify of its truthfulness. There truly is sunshine.

Annie

Adventures of Annie

I did an exciting thing and started a new blog for my trip to Europe! I’m already planning traveling adventures for when I get back home (I have a free pass to all of the parks in Canada for this year. It’s the 150th anniversary of their national parks. You don’t even have to pay shipping!). I’m so excited to explore this beautiful globe we live on! Here’s the link to this blog of excitement!

I won’t be posting much about my traveling on this blog, just to keep things organized. I’m also being given a grade on my blog record keeping, so there’s that, too 😉

I guess that’s my big update for today. I’ll be sharing my process of preparing for the departure, what happens during, and how I’ve been changed after. I’ll also be recording my trip to Canada, as well as all of the craziness I do within the states. I can’t wait to share my love of the world with you!

Annie

The Truth About Scriptural Distortions

In an article that recently appeared on Facebook, titled The Thing About Getting Offended Mormons Don’t Often Understand (It was originally published on LDSLiving. You can read it here.) I made a comment that I felt was so important, I had to share it here as well. It was in response to many comments made about some members misusing the scriptures and conference talks that reprimanded those who “choose to be offended”. Their intent in this action was clearly to place the blame of their sin on the person who’s feelings that must’ve known they had hurt.

I find it absolutely necessary to make the truth known to everyone. Here is the comment I made:

Looking through a few of the comments, I wanted to make this clear. If anyone is using scripture, such as choosing to be offended, as justification for their actions, they are exercising unrighteous dominion as stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World. In that proclamation, they were explicitly warned that they would have to face serious consequences for any such infringement on others, whether they were originally given rights over a person (read parent, guardian etc.) in order to provide care for them, or they decided they had rights over a random person. Yes, it can be extremely frustrating at times to deal with people like that, and we certainly don’t need to let them walk all over us, but we still need to exercise a level of control over ourselves. I think when Christ tells us to “turn the other cheek”, He’s not saying to passively take the abuse- He’s telling us to not allow our control over ourselves to be taken from us. He’s telling us to not give them any control over us and to hand the matter of offense over to Him to solve. He only wants to give us peace of mind, not continued hurt. But certainly do NOT let others convince you that it is okay to be terrible and that Heavenly Father has justified them, because He will NEVER justify willful sinning ESPECIALLY (but not limited to) when someone is harming another of His children.

I 113% stand by my words. I wish I could teach all who have had any moments of confusion about this and calm all of their doubts and pain. Please know that the commandments of God were created to make us happy! As my professor here at BYU-Idaho says, “Does it taste like light?” If it does not, I urge you to pray about it. I promise that Heavenly Father is the source of all truth and light, and He will NOT do anything that won’t eventually lead to your ultimate happiness. If ANYONE is continually using the words of God to hurt and belittle you, please seek help from those who love you. This is manipulative and unrighteous dominion! Talk to your Bishop*, a friend, anyone who you know you can trust, and allow yourself to find what will truly make you happy in this life. Pray for guidance as you search, and read the scriptures for direction. You deserve to be surrounded by people who acknowledge and celebrate your divine nature and encourage you to seek (and have! See Utchdorf’s Forget Not to Be Happy Now) true happiness. Heavenly Father loves you and His two deepest wishes and ultimate joys are to see you happy and see you return home to Him.

*Your Bishop is inspired by Heavenly Father to be a righteous judge in Israel. He is there to help you heal, whether it be by your own choices or the choices of another. He should be working closely with the Savior to help you achieve peace. If he is reacts in a way that does not taste like light, such as making you question whether the abuse is indeed real, understand that that is his choice to not fulfill his calling righteously. Not all bishops are like that. In that case, talk to your stake president. Talk to as many leaders in your church as is needed to get help. Remember that when a leader does not fulfill their calling they way they should, it is NOT your fault. they still have your agency. Pray for guidance, and as you work with your righteous church leaders, I can promise that you can find peace. It may be a long road, but all righteous people will find happiness in the end, and even the most arduous journey can be filled with many moments of joy. God loves you. Of all things, never forget that.

~Annie

I Believe in a God of Miracles

I totally believe in miracles, guys. God is so real, and He is such a part of my life. This past year has been an absolute financial nightmare, just from trying to stretch loans and grants to cover school and barely having any food to eat all semester. It’s been a real miracle I’ve gotten where I have, but I am SO blessed, because I’ve made it this far, and I’ve had so many help me along the way.

These past few months, I’ve been praying about going investing in a trip to Europe this summer to further my education as a music major. Not only that, but I would have the opportunity to go to the Paris temple, something that has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember (it’s actually going to be in operation and there is time for it on the trip!!!!). It’s an incredible opportunity that I felt crazy for shooting for. I attended the first few meetings, but I very quickly felt like there was no way I could ever afford such a luxury. However, after speaking with my professors (who all urged me to consider going), and much prayer, I felt inspired to prepare to go. I prayed to Heavenly Father to please help assist me in my efforts if it this trip is really the best thing for me. It’s been hard to feel like a “real” part of the group, and not just a charity case because of my finances, but my professors have been so good, and haven’t thought any less of my efforts.

This past week has been a bombardment of miracles after miracles. I’ve been striving to grow closer to Heavenly Father these past few weeks. As you’ll see later in this post, there were a lot of miracles I have hoped for at this time, some because of righteous desires, some because of need. I wanted to give Sign to my Heavenly Father that I trust Him, so in the thick of my trials, I bore my testimony of miracles. Bearing my testimony was all it took for me to feel a 1000x more confident in the trust I’ve placed in my Father. It was a beautiful start to my week.

I also tried my hand at fasting for the first time in years (I know better, but I really wanted an answer), which resulted in my being sick the entirety of Monday and missing all of my classes (My sweet bishop, when I met with him on Sunday, promised me that a half fast, or a different fast didn’t mean any less to the Lord. So no more fainting for me anymore haha). It made the rest of my week insane, which was mildly discouraging because of my goal to attend the temple this week. But, again, miracles! I was able to do the biggest load of homework ever after days of non-stop studying, and I was actually able to go to the temple and do the work of family names I had found early last semester. It was by far one of the sweetest temple experiences I’ve ever had. Taking your own names always changes the game, but this one was particularly meaningful, and I left with my heart touched and the cares of the world gone from my mind. Also!!! The temple workers are willing to help me complete 200+ male names this Friday! I’m so excited to have their work officially completed!

My temple experiences have been quite lovely, but one of the biggest miracles of my life also happened this week. At the beginning of last week, while pondering my temple worthiness for my temple recommend renewal this month, I realized that I had quite a chunk of tithing I had forgotten to pay from my last job. It wasn’t that I meant to avoid it before, but it hit me a little hard at this time.  It was almost like a punch in the gut. I felt like Heavenly Father was telling me that Europe wasn’t for me. Though it broke my heart, I knew that if it was God’s will, it should be mine as well. I was still concerned about my finances in general, but I never doubted because I know that my Heavenly Father always provides. So, after praying and putting my faith in Him, I paid my tithing.

A few days later, I went to go see my financial aid counselor. I can’t express what happened next. We reviewed my financial aid and my situation, and she told me I should be getting the maximum in financial aid assistance. I was not only to have an increase in support, I was to be compensated for the past year I had spent budgeting insanely. I was blown away. I gave Him what little I had, and He provided me with the hugest financial blessing I’ve ever experienced.

I couldn’t contain myself from crying. I was staggered. I always knew He would bless me, but I had never expected to be blessed like this. To me, He was saying that He approved of and supported my dreams. He provided me with more money that I had hoped to scrape together for my crazy endeavors. I know this blessing came because I gave what I could, and He definitely multiplied it beyond anything I could ever do on my own.

Faith is so important. If I hadn’t had faith in God’s will starting in January, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I wouldn’t have even considered this crazy trip to Europe. I wouldn’t have paid that tithing that stretched my little budget. My testimony would be smaller than it is now.

Every sacrifice I have ever made, small or large, and resulted in a gigantic mound of blessings. I don’t even know when I hesitate on some things anymore. He always, always comes through. Whether through friends willing to feed you breakfast on Saturdays, friends who send you money because they’re crazy and they love you, professors who love and support you and don’t think you’re any less than anyone else, and just the people who listen and care on the daily. Blessings are all around us.

I need you to know that God loves you. He knows your challenges and struggles. He loves you so, so much. He knows your dreams and goals and deepest desires. I know He knows me personally, because He blessed me in a very personal way. He wants to bless you, and He’s waiting for you to ask for His help.  I am so grateful for the way my relationship with Him has impacted my life. I wouldn’t be where I am without His love and endless, unconditional generosity. God is truly good.

And, because of Him, I’m totally going to Europe this summer!!! (and possibly some other beautiful surprises…Heavenly Father is awe-inspiring ❤)

~Annie