I do not know what to do with my life. That much is clear to me.
I have a full-time job with great benefits. I need to get a surgery while I can to fix my tonsils/get them out. I need to be able to sing again. Because, well, accidentally I have discovered that singing is honestly my life. I’ve tried to be practical and etc, but I don’t think I can.
I love children in foster care and I really want to care for them, but I LOVE Music.
I feel like I need to choose between the two and I hate it. I hate this feeling.
I’ve always dreamed of traveling and working for the church. Going on a never-ending mission. There is this person I want to be that does all of these things. But music seems like such a solitary career. I hate solitary things.
But I need all of them.
to be a foster mom
to serve God
teaching and serving and learning and growing
but feeling free and creative and safe to be myself
I feel like I can’t do that with my current job or situation.
I feel trapped
but I know if I get in to music and I HAVE to practice or write or create
I will feel the same way
the only conclusion that I have is
I am my own worst enemy
I want to be like Melanie
to have a flexible job so I feel like I can drop it at any moment
to love and serve someone
I don’t want to have to choose
and if I do I know what my choice will be
and I don’t want to feel bad for it I want to be free
I want to be free to love and serve
people I love
and I don’t want to feel trapped
I don’t want to put my righteous desires on the back burner ever
I hate it
and if I have to be broke to do this
I’ll do it I just want to do it
God, fostering, music, family history
loving and serving
these are my priorities
and my mind cannot be changed
I looked at the majors for school again. I’ve decided on doing communications with a minor in music. Possibly double major with french. I feel really good about studying french. It works both with music and speaking. I love that it bridges across my interests. I definitely think learning french is inspired because I really want to work in 3rd world countries, and french is definitely present.
I don’t know. The advocating/politics is super appealing as well. This job for sure entails travel, which I am not upset about at all. I have always loved arguing for the things that I believe in. But, civilly. I love that. I am really excited to do the things that I am made to do. I really hope that I can pull this off. I don’t want to quit my job until I know that this is the course I want to take, and also once I have had the surgeries that I need.
I feel a lot more like I have direction in my life now. At last, I finally feel like I am in control of what I am doing and that I am taking the right paths. When I was at BYUI I constantly felt I wasn’t following the right path. I love music, but it just didn’t feel like I was in the right environment for myself. And now, feeling the success of financial stability, holding down a good job, knowing that I can care for myself medically instead of wondering what was going on with me.
I just honestly feel like God is truly here taking me somewhere beautiful. Things are going in a direction that I really love and I am genuinely excited about. Living is 1000 percent bettering than surviving.
So the hope right now is to keep my job, work on getting surgeries, try ritalin or adderall or both so I can actually succeed!, start taking classes at MCC and work hard so I can transfer back to a Uni again, and keep my options open for better/more flexible jobs for school. If I can swing doing school part time and working full-time, I might try my hand at doing full-time for both in the Fall, but I don’t know if that’s something that I can do. I’m a pretty distracted person, and being social is so important to me. I highly doubt that that is something I would be good at, but if there is a possibility and God wants me to do just that, I might as well give it a shot.
I’m mildly reading a book (as much as a completely distracted person can do. One random chapter at a time. Thankfully, the book is designed for someone like me haha) about ADHD.
The biggest take away? Stop trying to be what you are not. Be what you are, but get better at it.
that has been so valuable to me. I’ve spent so much time trying to do and be what I am not. I have been impatient, downright mean and spiteful toward myself for not being able to work the way I think that I need or should. I’m late
I blurt and laugh and interrupt
I have crazy thoughts and ideas and nonsense is constantly swimming through my head
and I love it
and I don’t have to feel bad about it or apologize for loving it
I love that I am me
and I know that God made me this way, and he loves my personality and the uniqueness of my brain
and from here on out
I am going to love everything about myself without any shame or fear or hesitation
Because God and this crazy girl
we’re going to change the world