There were a few things that finally pushed me over the edge. The edge between completely lost and confused, and finding the footing that I’d been looking for in life. Let me tell you, the words hot mess and I are old, and well acquainted friends. We know each other better than anyone. I’m guaranteed to say or do something stupid at any given moment in time. I 100% laugh too loud, smile too much, and probably have embarrassed basically everyone I know. I talk incessantly. I joke defensively. Everyone is my friend. And I like those things about me.
I took a break, again, from the writing that I love love love to do, because I was not in a good place. I moved so many times, I dealt with a lot of not good things and situations, I meet some of the best people of my life, and, most important above all else, I learned so so much about myself and the world and how I want those things to work together.
First off, HOLY BANANAS I LOVE MY FRIENDS. I have no idea how the heck I could’ve survived such a rollercoaster of a ride without so many good and sweet and incredible people by my side. This wild ride isn’t over yet, but I can finally breathe enough to not be in survival mode. I never knew life could be this good. I had no idea, honestly. I had fantasies about exactly how great life could be in the future when I was no longer being thrown about, but I was SO off. Life is amazing.
The funny thing about it all is I still have all of the problems I had before, except that now I feel fully in charge. Not because I can guarantee the outcomes of things, but because I can guarantee the outcome of me. I am happy. I was always good at doing that–being happy–but I am fighting a fight to feel a deeper happiness than I have before. And it’s working. Spiritually I’m struggling a little bit, but I know that God knows where I’m at and what we need to work on. And we’ll get there, one day at a time.
I’m overwhelmed. I can’t exactly express the journey that I’ve been on, but I know it was a 180 trip. I went from feeling like the absolute end of the world was here, to feeling on top of the world. And I can’t take credit for a minute of that success. God had his hand in everything. He gifted me so much love through so many wonderful people. I am humbled. I am grateful. I am hopeful. Hopeful that this isn’t the end of my story, or even just the middle, but the very beginning of the life I wanted but couldn’t have as a child. A life of peace. Joy. Love. Unbridled happiness. Potential. Potential for even more. And knowledge. So much knowledge that what I can’t learn today, I can learn tomorrow, and that my small accomplishes are not for nothing.
My favorite lesson as of right now, is that I can be big and loud and so me, and I will still be loved.
There really and truly is happiness. Somehow in every bit of life, I’ve been able to find it. But sometimes, you get aa big break, and it just rains right on you. And you soak it all in because, finally, you don’t feel like you have to watch the sky and pray with all your might for just one drop to fall on you. It’s raining, and I love dancing in the rain.