This might not be the most amazing picture you ever see in your feed, but to me, it is a miracle! Today, for the first time in my whole life, I feel beautiful.
Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. I had my first full-blown panic attack in months, in the middle of church no less. I was embarrassed, and ashamed. I was at my lowest, and the darkness seemed to swallow me up. I didn’t know if I could ever be happy again, and I didn’t know if I could ever find my place in the world.
It was so difficult to relapse like that. I’ve been working so hard for so many years to overcome everything, and it felt like I’d just been pushed back to square one. It was devastating.
But all of those feelings of hurt and pain –as intense as they were– were fleeting and brief. At My Darkest Hour, I was not alone. As my soul was weighted with all the pain that I’ve ever felt in my life that I had yet to overcome, I cried out to God. Kneeling in the bathroom stall, I leaned against the wall and repeated over and over “God please hear me, please help me. I can’t heal myself, but I know you can.” It was the longest hour of my life. But I know God heard me. This was what he had wanted, all along. He had been waiting so patiently for me to let him in my heart, in a way I have not been able to in years. And now, his love engulfs me.
God hears us. I know he’s been with me from the beginning, my trusted friend and confidant. How it must have absolutely broken his heart to listen to my cry every night and not be able to take away my pain because I wouldn’t let him, how my Savior must have agonized over the sacrifices he’d made for me that I wouldn’t accept.
The Savior’s atonement is not just for sinners. He can help us carry any burden, and I know without a doubt he has lifted mine. He has placed people into my life to help me, and I’ve struggled very much to let them in. And through it all, they still loved me. I will forever be grateful to my Savior, and I am ELATED to feel beautiful