Alleluia!

This past week has been amazing. I’ve done so many thing that stretched me as a person, and faced many fears. There are lots of things I never thought I’d be able to accomplish, and yet here I am. I’ve at last and finally started the process of facing and recovering from my PTSD, which has all but taken over my life for the past two years. I have had such a difficult time admitting just how much it has affected me, and pridefully, it embarrasses me. I have had to unlearn the art of lying about the extent of my problems, something I am still not good at.

It’s been a painful struggle, and finding my value and worth in the midst of such a trail been has been soul-stretching, to say the least. But throughout it all, I have found the comfort of God. He lead me to the highlight of my life this weekend, when I was blessed to receive my endowments. This is a day I will forever cherish. I felt both prepared, and yet so unprepared.

I had challenged myself to attend the temple every day until then in order to better understand the promptings of the spirit that I might feel. I didn’t want to miss a single thing on my big day. I knew this was a huge step for me, and that God was very proud. What I didn’t know is that that challenge was what would keep me sane. As it always is when making wonderful, righteous decisions, the adversary tries extra hard to hurt us beforehand, as well as after. My personal struggles that I had already been failing at increased beyond everything I thought I could bear.

The temple became my refuge. I needed it so badly every day that I put everything I had into getting there. I barely had the health to walk there, but I knew I had to. While this sounds extreme and crazy, and looking back I honestly don’t understand half of what went on, this was an amazing testimony builder to me. I learned so personally to lean wholly and completely on God. I let go of all of the little things I’d been using to cope before, and God was all I had left.

Sometimes, it’s honestly hard to put everything aside and look to God. Sometimes, I’d rather do anything but, because I’m ashamed, angry, confused, or lost. Sometimes even when I’m happy and content. But I know without a doubt that he makes everything possible. I may not always like who I am without his help, but I sure like the me I’m becoming with his loving guidance.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t say how incredibly in love with life I am. God has turned my storms into something beautiful. After this Friday, I have no more desire to sin. Obviously, though, I’m human and I still do thoughtless, dumb, and clumsy things, but my malice is gone. Maybe not forever, but I’m going to enjoy every minute it is. Love is the answer. God is love. We live in a beautiful and amazing world surrounded by brothers and sisters with so many unique and precious gifts, and we are showered daily in blessings of every kind. I am so grateful to my Savior, Jesus Christ, and to my God and king. With all my heart I wish to shout, “Alleluia!”

Love, Annie

Remembering Who’s Steering

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Today reading my scriptures was tough. It was not something I wanted to do at all. I reluctantly put away all of my musical distractions a few minutes ago, though, and learned something powerful. God is amazing. In Doctrine and Covenants 49:5, God sent Christ into the world for the Redemption of the world. Then it says he received them to be saved. He wants a relationship with us so he can save us, not for his own personal benefit or happiness, but for ours.

It’s wild to me that of the beauty and intricacy in the world could have been created just for us, that someone could love us all so much to provide us selflessly with more than we could ever earn or deserve of our own volition. The only we reason we are entitled to God’s blessing is because of the divinity that he has placed within us, yet another gift. It absolutely blows my mind.

Delving further into my studies, in Doctrine and Covenants 76:25 this is where I really got hit hard. It talks about Satan’s rebellion in heaven against Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. There is a cross-reference to Moses 4:1-3, it says in verse two that Heavenly Father chose Christ from the beginning and it was not Satan’s right to stand up and proclaim that he would be the savior.

Even though there was a council in heaven, we were still children and we weren’t given full power over everything. Just like right now on Earth, we didn’t know everything and we needed to trust in Heavenly Father. Likewise, we did not vote on who we wanted to save us. What choice we did make, what is whether or not we would trust in God’s judgement, or rebel and try to follow our own plan. It wasn’t about whose idea was smarter or better, and it wasn’t between Christ’s plan and Satan’s plan, it was between being valiant and obedient and having trust in God, and being full of pride and believing that you know better. It was less about who performed the ordinances and made the sacrifice, and more about having faith in God.

This applies so perfectly to life on Earth. So often we have a plan that we want to follow, and God has a plan that he wants us to follow. We can choose to follow our own plan, or we can choose to have faith in Heavenly Father and follow his plan. Only one of these will bring us happiness, and only one of these will bring favor to us in the sight of God.

It’s not about the what, it’s about the why. Why won’t we follow God? Why won’t we trust him? Why are we so prideful that we think that we know more than an omnipotent omniscient God? Why do we have such little faith that even after all the Miracles we’ve seen and all the blessings you experienced, every time we’re asked to make a sacrifice to face a trial, we hold back? Why do we stop and ask what am I getting? How big is the sacrifice? How long before I’ll get my blessings? When can I prove to the world that I’m still smart, cool, and acceptable? God’s plan has never and will never be convenient, or popular.

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Reading my scriptures today was not convenient. I didn’t have a great attitude, and mostly I just wanted to reach my time limit and move on to something else. It wasn’t until I swallowed my pride and made something of my efforts that I realized how much the uninteresting scriptures I was studying really had to offer. And then? Time flew and I felt like I learned something important. It’s really easy to push God aside. Church isn’t convenient, repentance isn’t convenient. Going out of our way to serve and love, is sometimes exactly what we don’t want to do, and it takes everything we have to not push God away. It’s hard. It’s the furthest thing from easy. But we don’t want to do what’s easy! We want to be happy.

And we can do that by following God’s plan of happiness.

Love, Annie

Our Ancestors Are in Us

Last Sunday, I was asked to prepare a talk on family history. It basically turned into 100% me losing it and crying my eyes out in front of everyone. However, I thought it would be fun to share a piece of myself with everyone.

(audio recording available here, if you’d rather listen than read)

Oftentimes, we each have moments of loneliness. We think we are completely and utterly alone in our trials, and we feel we have hit a dead end. I testify that we are NOT alone, nor will we ever be. Though we may not physically have the guidance and help we need, not only do we have the gift of the Holy Ghost and the Atonement, we are constantly surrounded by angels- those who are completely on our side, and fighting for us. It is a common feeling that family history is something that we do for our ancestors. Let me share my personal experience. Continue reading