Same Dreams, New Resolve

I do not know what to do with my life. That much is clear to me.


I have a full-time job with great benefits. I need to get a surgery while I can to fix my tonsils/get them out. I need to be able to sing again. Because, well, accidentally I have discovered that singing is honestly my life. I’ve tried to be practical and etc, but I don’t think I can.


I love children in foster care and I really want to care for them, but I LOVE Music.

I feel like I need to choose between the two and I hate it. I hate this feeling.

I’ve always dreamed of traveling and working for the church. Going on a never-ending mission. There is this person I want to be that does all of these things. But music seems like such a solitary career. I hate solitary things.


But I need all of them.

to be a foster mom

to serve God

family history

and MUSIC

teaching and serving and learning and growing

but feeling free and creative and safe to be myself

I feel like I can’t do that with my current job or situation.

I feel trapped

but I know if I get in to music and I HAVE to practice or write or create

I will feel the same way


the only conclusion that I have is

I am my own worst enemy


I want to be like Melanie

to have a flexible job so I feel like I can drop it at any moment

to love and serve someone

I don’t want to have to choose

and if I do I know what my choice will be

and I don’t want to feel bad for it I want to be free
I want to be free to love and serve

people I love

the community

the world

everyone

and I don’t want to feel trapped

I don’t want to put my righteous desires on the back burner ever

I hate it

and if I have to be broke to do this

fine

cool

I’ll do it I just want to do it


God, fostering, music, family history

loving and serving

advocating

these are my priorities
and my mind cannot be changed

it can’t

I looked at the majors for school again. I’ve decided on doing communications with a minor in music. Possibly double major with french. I feel really good about studying french. It works both with music and speaking. I love that it bridges across my interests. I definitely think learning french is inspired because I really want to work in 3rd world countries, and french is definitely present.


I don’t know. The advocating/politics is super appealing as well. This job for sure entails travel, which I am not upset about at all. I have always loved arguing for the things that I believe in. But, civilly. I love that. I am really excited to do the things that I am made to do. I really hope that I can pull this off. I don’t want to quit my job until I know that this is the course I want to take, and also once I have had the surgeries that I need.


I feel a lot more like I have direction in my life now. At last, I finally feel like I am in control of what I am doing and that I am taking the right paths. When I was at BYUI I constantly felt I wasn’t following the right path. I love music, but it just didn’t feel like I was in the right environment for myself. And now, feeling the success of financial stability, holding down a good job, knowing that I can care for myself medically instead of wondering what was going on with me.


I just honestly feel like God is truly here taking me somewhere beautiful. Things are going in a direction that I really love and I am genuinely excited about. Living is 1000 percent bettering than surviving.


So the hope right now is to keep my job, work on getting surgeries, try ritalin or adderall or both so I can actually succeed!, start taking classes at MCC and work hard so I can transfer back to a Uni again, and keep my options open for better/more flexible jobs for school. If I can swing doing school part time and working full-time, I might try my hand at doing full-time for both in the Fall, but I don’t know if that’s something that I can do. I’m a pretty distracted person, and being social is so important to me. I highly doubt that that is something I would be good at, but if there is a possibility and God wants me to do just that, I might as well give it a shot.

I’m mildly reading a book (as much as a completely distracted person can do. One random chapter at a time. Thankfully, the book is designed for someone like me haha) about ADHD.

The biggest take away? Stop trying to be what you are not. Be what you are, but get better at it.

that has been so valuable to me. I’ve spent so much time trying to do and be what I am not. I have been impatient, downright mean and spiteful toward myself for not being able to work the way I think that I need or should. I’m late

all

the

time.

I blurt and laugh and interrupt

I have crazy thoughts and ideas and nonsense is constantly swimming through my head

I’m crazy

and I love it

and I don’t have to feel bad about it or apologize for loving it

I love that I am me

and I know that God made me this way, and he loves my personality and the uniqueness of my brain

and from here on out

I am going to love everything about myself without any shame or fear or hesitation

Because God and this crazy girl

we’re going to change the world

Joy

God is SO in charge of our lives. If he told me when I was younger that I would be where I am, I don’t know that I would’ve believed such a dream. Not a single part of my life is how I had imagined. The trials I face wear me down in ways I never thought possible, but the way I rise above them and pick myself up is astonishing. The friends I’ve gained, the things I’ve learned, the way my goals and dreams have shifted and changed, it all leaves me amazed.

Every night before I fall asleep, I have to remind myself that everything is real. It really is this hard and confusing and glorious. I really am surrounded by marvelous children of God whom I love and adore, and who love me back. This really is the life I get to live. What a gift I’ve been given!

I’ve fallen in love with so many aspects of life, I’ve learned so much about embracing the crazy and rolling with it. My path is not straight on, but a winding road of unexpected twists and turns that both surprise and delight me. What an absolute joy to have such amazing experiences, to learn beyond what I once knew.

Each new chapter, each new place, each new person- leaves me breathless. I can never predict or pinpoint the amount of joy and pain each will bring to me, or how I will stretch beyond my comprehension. But if I must live in this crazy, upsidedown world, I have concluded, then I must live!

Love, Annie

Remembering Who’s Steering

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Today reading my scriptures was tough. It was not something I wanted to do at all. I reluctantly put away all of my musical distractions a few minutes ago, though, and learned something powerful. God is amazing. In Doctrine and Covenants 49:5, God sent Christ into the world for the Redemption of the world. Then it says he received them to be saved. He wants a relationship with us so he can save us, not for his own personal benefit or happiness, but for ours.

It’s wild to me that of the beauty and intricacy in the world could have been created just for us, that someone could love us all so much to provide us selflessly with more than we could ever earn or deserve of our own volition. The only we reason we are entitled to God’s blessing is because of the divinity that he has placed within us, yet another gift. It absolutely blows my mind.

Delving further into my studies, in Doctrine and Covenants 76:25 this is where I really got hit hard. It talks about Satan’s rebellion in heaven against Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. There is a cross-reference to Moses 4:1-3, it says in verse two that Heavenly Father chose Christ from the beginning and it was not Satan’s right to stand up and proclaim that he would be the savior.

Even though there was a council in heaven, we were still children and we weren’t given full power over everything. Just like right now on Earth, we didn’t know everything and we needed to trust in Heavenly Father. Likewise, we did not vote on who we wanted to save us. What choice we did make, what is whether or not we would trust in God’s judgement, or rebel and try to follow our own plan. It wasn’t about whose idea was smarter or better, and it wasn’t between Christ’s plan and Satan’s plan, it was between being valiant and obedient and having trust in God, and being full of pride and believing that you know better. It was less about who performed the ordinances and made the sacrifice, and more about having faith in God.

This applies so perfectly to life on Earth. So often we have a plan that we want to follow, and God has a plan that he wants us to follow. We can choose to follow our own plan, or we can choose to have faith in Heavenly Father and follow his plan. Only one of these will bring us happiness, and only one of these will bring favor to us in the sight of God.

It’s not about the what, it’s about the why. Why won’t we follow God? Why won’t we trust him? Why are we so prideful that we think that we know more than an omnipotent omniscient God? Why do we have such little faith that even after all the Miracles we’ve seen and all the blessings you experienced, every time we’re asked to make a sacrifice to face a trial, we hold back? Why do we stop and ask what am I getting? How big is the sacrifice? How long before I’ll get my blessings? When can I prove to the world that I’m still smart, cool, and acceptable? God’s plan has never and will never be convenient, or popular.

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Reading my scriptures today was not convenient. I didn’t have a great attitude, and mostly I just wanted to reach my time limit and move on to something else. It wasn’t until I swallowed my pride and made something of my efforts that I realized how much the uninteresting scriptures I was studying really had to offer. And then? Time flew and I felt like I learned something important. It’s really easy to push God aside. Church isn’t convenient, repentance isn’t convenient. Going out of our way to serve and love, is sometimes exactly what we don’t want to do, and it takes everything we have to not push God away. It’s hard. It’s the furthest thing from easy. But we don’t want to do what’s easy! We want to be happy.

And we can do that by following God’s plan of happiness.

Love, Annie

Why I Left

Many of you know that I left home at a young age. It’s been hard for me to really explain what lead up to that point. I’ve been self-conscious, guilty and felt the need to justify it many times, even to myself. Many did not and still do not fully understand why I did what I did. I have also had a hard time accepting  the reality of my life circumstances.

However, I feel like I’ve grown a lot in the last month. Because of many trials in my life the past few years, I’ve gone through a bit of a rough patch with my testimony. I have never doubted my testimony, I’ve struggled to understand myself and therefore my relationship with Heavenly Father and Christ has suffered. It’s been very difficult, and a time of deep self-reflection and spiritual distress.

I know without a doubt that my trials have been tailored specifically for me. My Father in Heaven knows that nothing hurts my soul more deeply than hurting someone- especially those whom I love. Continue reading

He Will Heal You

Being a month from 19, I still consider myself to be little more than a child. And, like a child, I won’t stop asking questions until I find satisfactory answers. I am sure that I am not alone in my queries of: What is going on in my life? Why am I where I am? Where am I going? Such questions lead down a rabbit hole.

As I’ve been pondering my current life situation, Continue reading