This week has been a wild ride. On a sudden whim, I decided to become very organized and get my homework completed in the most timely manner possible. I charged through my assignments at an astounding rate and by the end of the week, I feel amazing and almost like I can do anything. I’m beginning to see how much time I actually have in a week and it’s incredible to me. It’s lead me to pondering how I spend my time, and I’ve been noticing that the majority of has been going toward dreading my homework, worrying, stressing, avoiding, and all around not doing much of anything. I’ve noticed how much of my time and resources have been poured into absolutely nothing. I could kick myself for how little I’ve managed to get out of everything I’ve been given.
However irritating the past may be, I’m optimistic for my future. I’ve realized that not only am I very capable of completing the things that I need to, I’m very quick and when I apply myself I learn a lot. Thinking about where all my time has been going, I’ve realized what activities I could squeeze into my life, even as I become a whole lot busier next semester (hopefully I’ll be getting a job, and I’ll soon be starting some pretty challenging classes).
It’s changed a lot of my perspective. While talking to a friend this week, he said something rather insightful. I explained how I have a difficult time applying myself to things I think of as “easy” or a “waste of time”. I’m not sure if he quite knew who to accredit the quote to (nor do I, really) but I think he quoted Michelangelo when he said in not so many words, “The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.”
I felt like spiritually someone poured cold water over my head. Of course! I know in my heart that I can do way better than I am, but my head always says otherwise. As I face fear after fear, I’m learning that the heart can be a lot smarter than the brain at times.
I’m certainly not where I want to be in life, and I’m starting to get the idea that therapy has a long future with me, but things are changing in such rapid succession that I also get the feeling that huge opportunities and blessings are unfolding for me. Every moment I blink, something new happens; either it’s a new idea or a new event, but in any case it flips me upside down and leaves me to ponder over all of my beliefs once more. I can definitely feel my fears subsiding, my strength returning, and my testimony blossoming.
I know this may be viewed as extremely cliché, but I truly believe these changes could only happen at such a place as BYU-I. I’m increasingly gathering my courage and fall more and more in love with the atmosphere. Sure, it’s not perfect in any way, but it’s the home I’ve always dreamed of with a peace that very few places can replicate. I’m so grateful that I get to attend a school with such loving teachers and faculty and that fosters a love for the Savior in every single program therein. I can’t say enough about my school! I only hope that I can make use of these blessings to better the world around me.