Well, it’s week two of this semester, and things have been pretty okay. I’m working on this thing called routine. I’m not very good at it, but I guess that’s part of the journey of having a normal life. I have successfully left my apartment almost every single day so far, which for me is a huge accomplishment. I can tell my days are definitely better when I get out and spend some time around people, even if I never talk to them.
I went to the academic advising center to change my major, and that’s of course a fiasco. I am expecting way too much of a baby university! I may end up dual-enrolling in two separate universities. We’ll see. I wanted to take all of my generals to get them out of the way, but my lack of musical assignments if both stifling and frustrating me. I’m looking forward to the day when I can finally sing until I fall over, and not worry about other obligations.
I am definitely struggling here at school, though. Eating is a big issue, and my fear of leaving the house is getting to be debilitating, as my inability to manage time. I simply can’t manage time. Deadlines, meetings, class times, meal times, they are all insurmountable struggles to me. The only time I am absolutely great at remembering is Monday at 11:30 when I get to talk to my best friend.
Everyday I find myself wishing for help. I wish someone cared enough about me to remind me to do things, to make me do what I need to do. I’ve never had that before, but I feel like I really need it. I’ve always been horrible at taking care of myself and thinking of my temporal needs. I wish that that wasn’t the case, because I feel so helpless when I think about how much I can’t do. How can I expect to do anything else when I can’t even do the basics?
I’ve had these thoughts swimming in my head for the past several months. How can I expect to get anywhere in life when I’m such a wreck? Then, today at devotional, I was given a promise. If I could make time for reading the scriptures and saying my prayers, everything would fall into place. I sure hope this is true.
I’ve come to recognize that my anxiety and depression, though normally quite extreme, have been off the charts for the past year or so. I can’t seem to get them under control. I’ve taken the steps to get therapy, but I don’t know if that’s enough. What a lot of adventures I’m going through lately. I hope that they prepare me well for my future career, and that I won’t fail this test.
I am so grateful that I get to come to this school, which seems so endlessly forgiving. I feel like forgiveness is something I need 24/7, even for the world’s standards. I’m always apologizing for my lack of knowledge, grace, and dependability. Maybe by some miracle God will cure me of my terrible habits. Until then, I will continue to be my wild, crazy self and try my hardest to fix these things on my own.