Many of you know that I left home at a young age. It’s been hard for me to really explain what lead up to that point. I’ve been self-conscious, guilty and felt the need to justify it many times, even to myself. Many did not and still do not fully understand why I did what I did. I have also had a hard time accepting the reality of my life circumstances.
However, I feel like I’ve grown a lot in the last month. Because of many trials in my life the past few years, I’ve gone through a bit of a rough patch with my testimony. I have never doubted my testimony, I’ve struggled to understand myself and therefore my relationship with Heavenly Father and Christ has suffered. It’s been very difficult, and a time of deep self-reflection and spiritual distress.
I know without a doubt that my trials have been tailored specifically for me. My Father in Heaven knows that nothing hurts my soul more deeply than hurting someone- especially those whom I love. I struggled to feel justified in actions that I knew were allowing some to feel pain I have tried to protect them from from the start. However, He has assured me that I am not the cause of the pain they feel and it is merely a consequence of the choices they have and continue to personally made in their lives. I was inspired as Joseph in Egypt was to “get thee hence” in order to protect myself from both earthly and spiritual pain. At that time, I was told that any further spiritual progression was impossible for me and that I needed to leave, despite my qualms and fears. I have been promised that my influence will be greater spent serving those whose hearts are not hardened and unyielding. I can still love and pray for them, but how can I be an example to anyone if I justify demeaning, ungodly behavior? Heavenly Instructors inform me that the hard choices I am making now that I have previously believed to be most mean-spirited and cruel will prove to be the greatest actions of love and mercy I have been privileged to do, and will in fact guard from a need for further justice and reprimandation.
Many of my decisions- this one in particular – left me wondering whether or not I did the right thing. It literally wrenched my heart out to get me where I am today, and the circumstances were extremely controversial. With much agony and purpose of prayer, I have finally felt the loving comfort of my Heavenly Father assure me with the peace I have been seeking. I know that sometimes our trials make us question who we are, but in the end God will help us find the peace that we seek.
I’m delighted to inform you that my confidence has increased dramatically and I’m starting to finally return to who I used to be- maybe even better. I’m working diligently on stitching things back together, and God is being so, so forgiving as always. I’m so grateful to those who have helped me reach this point; it’s been a rough road, but I’ve felt so much support and love.
Looking back, things have fallen into place in ways I can’t explain away. I have been blessed with the opportunity of sharing my experiences with many people in many settings, and I hope to share them with many, many more. No one can claim that my life and how it has unfolded isn’t a miracle, because it truly is, with each one following after another. There is no way that the choice I made was wrong; God specifically has and continues to make a way for me. I don’t know what He’s doing, but it’s something absolutely wonderful. My love for Him grows stronger every day, and I am so grateful for Him.
I don’t always have a perfect understanding of what is right and wrong, but I know that the Father does, and as I listen to His Guidance, I grow closer to understanding what my own life needs in order for me to reach His Glory. He is there, He is real. It’s so easy for me to forget him. It’s so easy for me to say that I can do it on my own, hoping to make Him proud of me- but that’s not what he wants. He never asked us to do it alone, and he doesn’t want us to. I have a sure and firm testimony of that now. God’s love and power is Endless. He is right there with us, whether we choose to see it or not. He wants us to come Home to Him.
I love you all so very much. I truly do. I have been gifted with a very big heart, though I struggle to express it all the time. You are in my daily prayers and I wish you all of the love and happiness. Thank you for being a part of each of the chapters of my life- I still remember and feel your influence.
All my love,